Top 10 Tuesday

Have certain lines (as in strings of beautiful words) ever stuck with you? They could be lyrics or quotes or some kind of lore. Maybe they become mantras and what are mantras but reminders or guidance to be some way? I have many. Some of them are very basic but I take to a whole new level in my mind. Some are unique, clever, etc., and I keep them in a little blue notebook. Anyway, Jean-Paul Sartre's Something has happened to me is the first line in his novel "Nausea" which is about a gentleman having an existential crisis in which he literally becomes nauseated by his existence. I was struck by that line without even reading the entire novel. In fact, I never even read the entire novel, let alone a chapter, because that first line was enough. I'll get to the novel someday. I wrote one of my favorite poems using that line. I'm not going to share it here, but that line or phrase (whatever you want to call it) is speaking to me again. In a good way. It alludes to transformation, a turning of leaves. I have been feeling turned over and turned over lately but not in a weary state of redundancy. The Sufis turned or twirled. The mystic poet Rumi recited his poems as he twirled on his feet. Rumi--as in the word rumination, means to turn over (or chew over if you want to be more technical). Rumination is also a term used in psychology to describe the cyclical negative thoughts an anxious person may experience. Boy does that happen a lot. You too? You're definitely not alone. I hope your week goes well. Here's my top 10 from the past week.

1. The Depressed Person by David Foster Wallace--In my endeavor to read a short story or essay every week, I came across Wallace's short story about a woman and her plight with depression. The story touches upon all the different nuances of the illness, from cause to borderline needs to lack of control to the devastating self-awareness to the overwhelm to the rumination to the relationships and dependency on therapists and to the therapists who have their own mental health struggles. Wallace himself completed suicide. I've been tempted to read his works. After reading the tome House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski, I felt ready to tackle another post-modern puzzle. I looked into Wallace's Infinite Jest but the blurb and storyline didn't interest me.

2. Sonja Hinrichsen's Snow Drawings--It's winter so it's treacherously gorgeous outside. Every shade of gray. And if you're lucky, a gem of a mushroom or fungus beckons you through the briar just to see what it is. I came across Hinrichsen's snow drawings and found them to be magical. She wears snowshoes and gets others to join in on the merry-making. I wish I could have contributed.

3. Aphantasia--I have a colleague at work who has aphantasia which is when a person lacks a "third eye" or "mind's eye". She is a lovely, happy mother of (going on) three children. When she told me that she was unable to picture things in her mind, I was stunned. I still am. I can't get it out of my mind that she can't see things in her mind. I asked her, "So, you can't imagine your daughter in her favorite outfit?" She says no. When I ask about her memory, she said that they are thoughts but not replays of images in her mind. I test her all the time and I always fail. Having seen pictures of her son and husband on Facebook, one day I told her that her son and husband have the same crooked grin. She looked at me and didn't know what I was talking about. She pulled out her phone to look at pictures of them. It all made sense. Even though she lacks the mind's eye, she's otherwise a very visual person, always holding her phone up to our faces to see pictures of her children and how she decorated for Christmas. When she has down time, I catch her looking at pictures or looking at the live cams she has in her home. Of course she'd have live cams in her home so she could physically see images of her children. I'm still blown away considering that my mind is always racing with images. It made me sad that I can imagine her daughter in a completely made up outfit, made up by my imagination. But she can't even imagine her daughter in her favorite pajamas. Aphantasia is Greek for "no appearance" or "no imagination".

4. Dasha Plesen's Mold Art--Now this is something I would love to try but I can imagine myself (because I don't have aphantasia) inhaling toxic things and getting sick. Regardless, the artist Dasha Plesen makes gorgeous art out of mold cultures. Mold, in my opinion, in all its forms and colorations, is gorgeous. Like anyone else, when I open that forgotten mystery container from the back of the fridge, I'm apprehensive about opening it. But once I do, it's a wonderland of disgusting beauty. At first I thought it was fabric art with other medium, but no, it's mold! Colorful, vivacious, wanting-to-survive-despite-it-all mold! You can also find Plesen on Instagram.

5. Spider-Man: No Way Home--If you were to tell me I'd marry a man who enjoys superhero movies and the like, I'd roll my eyes at you. But I did marry a man who enjoys superhero movies and the like. I have nothing against the Marvel and DC worlds. I can appreciate the imagination. And I'll admit, when I do see a movie of this sort, I end up finding the movie pretty okay. A few weeks later, I forget the plot and they all blend together. Same goes with Star Wars. I couldn't tell you the difference between one episode and the next. It's all bunch of quirky planets being saved or ravaged by characters with mommy issues. Anyway, I deeply enjoy the movie-going experience and really miss going to the movies. I used to have that Movie Pass (may it sadly RIP even though it was doomed to begin with) and I saw every single movie for about a year. I went and saw Spider-Man with Brian and I did enjoy it and I'm sure that true fans shed their nostalgic tears. What I enjoyed most was seeing the humanity in the "bad guy". I've always been a "sympathy for the devil" kind of woman.

6. The Backrooms--So, there's a "found-footage" video that has gone viral on the internet. I read that it had a very House of Leaves vibe to it and it certainly did with its endlessness of emptiness around every corner. If you don't know what House of Leaves is about, it's about a house that appears smaller than it is on the outside. The house starts out quite ordinary and then mysterious passageways, endless hallways, and endless stairways appear. Some fear the absurdity of it and others are drawn to it in various degrees. The house defies laws of physics and eventually laws of human nature. But back to "The Backrooms" video. One mysteriously falls into a building of corridors with horrific lighting and so many uniform corners. But there's something in there, hunting...or is it trying to give warning? You can view it below.

7. The Ecopsychology Project--Want to explore a very new podcast about the human's relationship to Earth? Check out The Ecopsychology Project hosted by Jon-Erik Jardine.

8. First Snow Storm at Our New Home--Brian and I were very excited while anticipating the snow storm that recently passed. On top of the snow from the storm, we also had a day of wonderful flurries from which we enjoyed from every window. We ended up with 5.5" of snow which isn't a ton but it was definitely a lovely yet late arrival, right in time for the full wolf moon. The dogs enjoyed it. Silas and I enjoyed exploring the woods and all its lovely shades of gray.

9. Mom and Dad--My mom and dad came to visit for the weekend. My mother--no lie--brought a huge cooler of food and bags of other food as if she were going away for a few days in a remote cabin in the deep, dark woods. It's hard to play host to the best hostess I know! Anyway, there was a lot of merry-making. We enjoyed the snow together. We baked amazing pizzas. My dad watched his beloved Steelers not make it to the Super Bowl. Brian won at Phase 10. Mom and I bought books at the store. It was a lovely weekend with those two (and their dog Daisy Mae!).

10. 4 Years Gone--The 4-year anniversary of my sister Mandy's passing occurred on the Sunday of my parents' visit. I am glad that we got to spend some time together during a painful time. My mom and I talked about Mandy while we were alone together and I'm looking at a picture of her right now as I write this. In several years, I will be older than her. Although I didn't have the absolute closest sisterhood with Mandy and even though we were very different from one another, it still hurts. It hurts to watch my mother hurt. I don't believe in ghosts or anything spiritual in that nature (I wish I could see a ghost!) but my sister exists as little reminders in my mind. And that is how I honor her. Take care of mom and dad. Do the best I can. Don't do stupid things like hiking at night or hiking when no one knows where I am. I can feel her roll her eyes at me and I can feel her looking at me and calling me weird because she always did. And I always was. And I still am.