Top 10 Tuesday

1. Thanksgiving--Family is important, blood or not. Sometimes you let go of your own blood--your own form of bloodletting. Sometimes you hold on despite everything. What you choose is--as obvious as it sounds--your choice. As much as I'd love to say that I'm incredibly close to my family, I know that I am the daughter that does not call enough. It has nothing to do with a lack of love. It may have something to do with physical distance. I love my family, though. I'm watching my parents grow older, which is exactly what is supposed to happen. That privilege to watch your parents grow older. I hug my mom and can feel her shoulder bones rubbing together. I yell at my mom to choose a lane while she is driving (me crazy). She tells me that dad wakes her up in the middle of the night "just to talk". One time, he woke her up in the middle of the night just to ask if she purchased Pepsi. The day after Thanksgiving, my dad left for our family cabin to go hunting for the first day of doe season; a long-standing tradition of his. This time, he was going alone because all of his hunting family is getting older, too. I spent my Thanksgiving with these two people, and more. My cousin Geoff, who I didn't know existed until a few years ago. Now he's like a brother to me. My cousin Steve and his daughters were there. My new uncle, Tom. My cousin's aunt, Mary, who listened to me go on and on about synesthesia. My niece, Haley, and her two beautiful children. My great-niece, who looks like my sister Mandy when she was a baby. Such a hard and amazing little person to look at. I didn't know my sister when she was a baby but I do carry this picture with me everywhere:

Easter, 1978. Eight years before I was born. In this photograph, my mother is a single mother, raising (literally) my big sister alone. The love in this picture, if I focus on it for at least a few moments, brings me to tears. Now Mandy is gone. My mom wouldn't be able to hold a baby like that now without pain in her rotator cuff. As usual, we had a place set for Mandy despite her earthly absence. My mom poured champagne in Mandy's glass right before dinner.

2. #OptOutside--The outdoor company REI began #OptOutside, the choice to spend time outdoors rather than shopping on Black Friday. I practice it yearly. I had originally planned to hike two hikes on Black Friday. A few miles on The Baker Trail and a few miles on the Rachel Carson Trail. Due to an immense amount of sudden stress caused by texts from work, I only did the first hike because I eventually became emotionally drained. So, I was an exposed nerve for the rest of the day. When I arrived back to my car, I was being questioned by a property owner about why I was parked where I was (this is why I'm always glad to see my car when I'm finishing a hike!). I peacefully expressed that I was hiking on the trail behind his property (there isn't any parking at the trailhead). No harm, no foul, I drove away. I had to pull over three times before returning to my parents' home so I can ugly-cry on the side of the road or in a parking lot. I was able to laugh about the stress and my distress that very same day. Anyway, the hike itself--what I forced myself to enjoy--was, as always, a pleasure. I was in woodpecker territory, marveling at gaping holes in the trees.

3. Coming home to Brian--After not spending time together for a while, I finally went home to Brian on Friday evening. Solitary creature that I am, I do take immense comfort in his presence. He is the antithesis of stress and trouble. I am the boiling cauldron and he is the cool scrim of ice, winking into existence. After such a stressful day, I'm pretty sure that my two hour drive home to him was one long exhale.

4. Nuclear Bomb Dream--I finally know what my final thoughts would be if a nuclear bomb were to hit:

• Where's Brian? In my dream, Brian and I were on the street I grew up on, about to get into a car to leave. When the nuclear bomb detonated, it didn't sound loud, but it felt loud. I felt it in my stomach as I watched a large flower of light grow on the horizon. I was suddenly sitting on the ground and couldn't see Brian.

• I'm going to die. With the light came a cloud of debris that was rushing toward me, destroying everything in its path.

• Why am I not moving? I was in the middle of the road and could have run into a nearby home. But I didn't want to abandon Brian and I was in shock.

• I wonder what this will feel like. I suddenly thought that maybe I had a chance of surviving the death cloud, but only foolishly. I knew I'd feel at least something before I'd be killed. I woke up too soon, though.

Hilarious that I had this dream the night of my stressful Friday.

5. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood--Brian and I went and saw the Mister Rogers movie. I can go on and on about the movie, but simply put, I really enjoyed it. The cinematography was moving. Fred Rogers' nuanced personality was unpredictably startling. There are several moments that really hone in on him when he is "in the zone", doing what he feels he needs to do. Be himself. Fun fact unrelated to the movie: when he and his wife attended events that turned out to be boring, he would entertain his wife by passing gas.

6. Beside Magazine--Found this magazine at a bookstore and have been enjoying it the past several days. It is a magazine dedicated to teaching and telling stories that create connections between culture and nature.

7. Outstanding in the Field--I read about this organization in the above-mentioned magazine. It is an organization dedicated to creating elaborate, outstanding meals in the literal fields from which the food came so to create a more present experience with the food. Farmlands, orchards, oceanside. Adding this to my life's bucket list (even though it's incredibly expensive)!

8. Silas Burps--My dog Silas eats quickly. I don't think he tastes his food. Anyway, his routine when he is done eating is to seek me out. If I'm stationery, sitting somewhere, etc., he'll come over for pets and burp right in my face. I think of it as his way of saying thanks.

9. Exclamation Points!--I watched a documentary about exclamation points not too long ago and they have been trending in media a lot as of late. If you haven't noticed in your own personal texts with friends and family, they are abundantly used so to signify that nothing is wrong and that the person's response is in fact, genuine, and not difficult to convey. Brian watched part of the documentary with me and the very next day, I noticed his lack of exclamation points. Sometimes, he even replaced his usually-exuberant language with question marks. It was a fun social experiment that I've only done with him. I don't willingly text enough people to try it out on anyone else lol I will admit that I wish an interrobang was an option on my phone's keyboard.

10. Things that made me cry this past week:

• A documentary about how the Earth formed and evolved.

• Work (engaging in it, talking about it, thinking about it). Sometimes it was laugh-crying, though.

• A man asking me why I was parked on his property (I didn't cry in front of him)

• A couple pulling up next to my car telling me that my bike rack was down (I forgot to put it back up because of the guy who was questioning why I was on his property). I didn't cry in front of them.

• Pulling into a Giant Eagle parking lot to cry. Stopped crying and thought I'd go in and get myself a Starbucks drink. Realized I didn't have my wallet. Cried. Coffee is important.

• Seeing a movie preview for the impending "Call of the Wild" movie (even though the dog is CGI). I won't be seeing that movie.

• Almost cried when Brian and I finally figured out who would cater our wedding next year

• An intense minute-long scene in "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" where Fred Rogers asks a friend to sit quietly in a restaurant and reflect on "the people who loved him into being". The whole restaurant went quiet for one long minute and the camera eventually focused on Tom Hanks' Fred Rogers face and I was violently squishing my eyes shut to get the tears out so I can continue watching so I can continue crying.

• Random moments of realizing that my dogs will die someday.

• Dog hair, everywhere.

• Hozier's song "In A Week". Listened to it on loop for quite a while during my two-hour drive home to Brian.

• Missing Mandy

• Christmas shopping

• How wonderful my mom is

• That my mom set out a little bowl of corn for her decorative Christmas roosters