Going In & Inwards

It has been a while.

A hiatus (from Latin hiare meaning gape. I was wondering if there was a correlation between hiatus and hiatal [hernia] and there is) doesn't always have to be bad. It doesn't mean I was unhappy or uninspired. It doesn't exactly mean that I lost interest or gusto. It just means that other things were more important to me than sharing my thoughts and feelings in this platform. There's no shame in it. But here I am again, strolling down this familiar avenue. This time of the year, like many of you, I retreat, go inwards into the gape of creativity, reading, and learning. I make more couch memories, writing in journals, exploring new literature, playing Skip-Bo, watching documentaries. I'm proud of this, actually, the slowing down. I used to be terrible at slowing down. I used to take hours just preparing to slow down. It was like preparing for an important event. Shop for the right warm meal or snacks. Figure out and research the right movie or documentary to watch. What time of day should it be? Should I be alone or share the moment with someone? Which blanket should I snuggle? Which sweatpants should I wear? Which book or books should I read? Which beverage? Then I'd finally settle down with my mug, my movie, my book, my blanket and get restless. Feel guilty for doing nothing. Fall asleep. My body doesn't quite know how to relax. As soon as it is relaxing, it thinks that it's time to go to sleep. I still struggle with this; however, I'm getting better.

One struggle I will always have--a very normal struggle--is balance. I like a lot of different things. And all those different things deserve lifetimes of dedication. My mind is incredibly susceptible to tangents, creating connections between seemingly non-relatable things. Like this specimen of lichen that I found while hiking on The Baker Trail this past Friday and this over-processed aerial photograph of Death Valley's "Artist's Palette" I came across today while scrolling through a magazine's Instagram:

Lichen does grow in deserts, though. However, "Artist's Palette" is not colored by lichen. It gets its colors from the oxidation of micah, iron, and manganese.

Anyway, I was with my mother on Friday and she told me that she missed my writing in here. And to be honest, I also miss it. I miss its meditation and discipline. But I'll admit, I'm not as meditative or disciplined as I'd like to be. I might disappear again when the red-winged blackbird starts singing and the buds sprout. Because that's what I choose.